Opening

Ann McCutchan

KRSTI Fschr. Krst Fshr? Whenever Krysti Fischer spelled out her name, she omitted most of the vowels, couldn't or didn't bother to write them.
My second grade classmate's phonetic handicap revealed itself when I caught the chicken pox and missed a whole week of school. Miss Olsen assigned the class a writing exercise, a get-well letter to me. Three days into my convalescence, a thick manila envelope arrived by way of a trustworthy fourth-grader who lived one street over in Bel-Air, the south Florida housing development where my family lived. I was napping in the bedroom I shared with my younger sister, breathing from the open jalousie windows the mild sea breeze of late October when my tall mother swept in, waving a sheaf of gray paper lined wide for the nubs of fat pencils. "The whole class wrote to you!" she announced with typical good cheer. "The whole class!"

I sat up and arranged my crawling skin in the bed chair, a contraption of pink paisley canvas and aluminum tubing that dug at the base of my spine. There were seventeen letters, all beginning the same way: "We are sorry you are sick. We miss you. Please get well soon." I could see pretty Miss Olsen chalking this on the green board, my classmates dutifully copying it down. Anything they wrote after that message was original.

dr Ann,

M srr sck. W Ms pls gt ll sn. N I mr hns 2 ws.

Krsti Fschr

Like the first time I witnessed a child seize up with epilepsy, or a blind man strike the sidewalk with a cane, Krysti's infirmity seared the tender spot beneath my breastbone with a fresh awareness of pain, struggle, limits. When I returned to school, I thanked Krysti for the message I could not decipher and began to pay more attention to her. Krysti sat on the opposite side of the room and belonged to the slowest reading group. When Miss Olsen asked a question, she never raised her hand. One day at lunch I listened as Krysti communicated with a child from another class. It was the first time I had heard her speak a sentence, and the words lurched out of her in vowel-less knots, as if all of the physical and intellectual circuits involved in pronouncing, say, "hamburger," were jammed in her throat. Only by sheer will could she force a word past her tongue, teeth and lips: MBRGR.

Vowels open the throat, the head, the chest, every part of the body that resonates, that creates true voice. When vocalists warm up before a concert, they sing Aaay, Eeee, Ahhh, Ohhh, Oooo. Instrumentalists think about opening their throats, forming Ahhh or Ohhh behind their mouthpieces to render tones rich with full, chiming partials. Once a player has produced an open airstream he can articulate on its flow, forming the equivalents of consonants by tonguing the reed or buzzing the mouthpiece, sculpting the sentences of music.

Without the windy gush of vowels, the instrument dies, the musician is gagged, like Papageno in The Magic Flute , who, when his lips are padlocked, utters only Mm. Even in popular culture, a string of consonants betokens misfortune. My second-grade comic book hero Superman was tormented by Mr. Mxyzptlk, a bald-headed leprechaun who wreaked havoc on the city of Metropolis . Physically, Mr. Mxyzptlk was far less threatening than Superman's chief nemesis Lex Luthor, but his vowel-starved name struck terror even before you encountered his impish image. It was as if Mr. Mxyzptlk lacked an essential human feature, like saliva or fingernails or veins.

There are languages which, when written down, contain few vowels or vowel equivalents. Hebrew contains no vowels at all, and so, for example, the ancient Hebraic name of God, which was considered too sacred to speak, is spelled YHWH. It comes from the verb "to be," and means "I am." To pronounce YHWH you must connect the consonants with unnotated vowels, and because no one knows the correct pronunciation of the sacred, silent word, you must improvise the open sounds, name God for yourself.

Vowels are galleries of air shaped by the lancet arches of consonants. They are the fickle drafts against which stiff kites play, trampolines that send F's and J's and T's bouncing into the next A-E-I. Vowels pillow fricatives. Pliant as taffy, they a re the source of all accents. Tissue, not bone; plain, not mountain. Vowels puff and sigh and ho wl us into what's beyond and give our throats a place to rest, as well.

Krysti Fisher had a speech defect and probably a learning disability not easily remedied in the 1950s. Tall for her age, with a boxy frame and a Joan of Arc haircut, she moved about our classroom with exquisite care, as if fearing to knock over the chalk carton, or the guinea pig's cage, or the rolling cart of hideous clay ashtrays we formed and fired for our parents. After the second grade, I glimpsed her only from a distance because the lottery determining class membership failed to toss us into the same company of children.

In the fourth grade I encountered another child with an irregular voice. Round-headed Burney Gray, a mama's boy, was blessed with an astonishingly high soprano that soared each morning during "The Star Spangled Banner," winning giggles from his fellow nine year olds and the admiration of our teacher, Mrs. Chapman, an elderly Cracker with moist blue eyes who graded easy and read to us from Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings's The Yearling every day after lunch. Burney knew his voice was beautiful and hilarious, and he enjoyed the attention he won on both counts. His notoriety withered, though, when a bad boy named Greg jabbed him in the eye with the end of a broom handle. For weeks the white of Burney's right eye glared red with blood, and though Greg insisted it had been an accident, most of us knew better. After school, Burney's mother confronted Greg's as Mrs. Chapman attended them, aloof and docile in her faded housedress. There were no apologies. The next morning during the national anthem, Burney's lips were sealed.

Soon afterward, my First Bra ritual took place, nearly two years before it would for most of the other girls in my class. Boys like Greg made fun, and I grew shy. I stopped raising my hand. In January, Mrs. Holbrook, the music teacher who appeared weekly with boxes of song books, rhythm sticks and tambourines, invited interested fourth graders to learn a black plastic flute-like instrument called a Tonette. The Tonette cost $1.25, its music fifty cents. I cracked open my glass piggy bank to get the money, and with Burney Gray, joined the McNab Elementary School Tonette Band.

To discover an alternate voice when you've set aside your original is better than a new bike, a pony, or even a boyfriend. I latched onto the Tonette as if it were a missing part of my body, because in a way, it was. So did Burney. In Tonette class, we both grew bold again, claiming desks in front. Burney knew how to read music, but I did not, and so I acquired the new language by myself, taking pleasure in the correspondence between first line F and the waffling pitch I produced by covering the Tonette's lone underside hole with my thumb and blowing lightly into the thin slot of the mouthpiece.

It was easy to overblow the Tonette, to send up an erratic mess of overtones that sounded the way a sheaf of paper looks when the wind scatters it. On thumb F, I began to learn the art of gentle, consistent breathing. Adding my left forefinger to the first hole on the upper side of the Tonette got me first line E. Then another finger, and another, D, C, B, A, down to the lowest note on the Tonette, another, deeper F, all fingers down, all holes covered.

On the Tonette or any other wind instrument, all notes are, in a sense, vowels, rousing a trunk full of air and the kaleidoscopic effects on the wood or metal it sets to humming. Musical sounds are abstract, open as wide as A or O to use and interpretation.

The eighteenth-century Christian mystic Jean-Pierre de Caussade told the Visitation nuns of Nancy, "we must have a great deal of simplicity, a gentle cheerfulness, and we must also respond at once to the breath of grace. We must let ourselves go, ready and eager to obey our impulses, for God never fails to give us guidance...."

When you push air from the pulsing deep bin of your body into the waiting column of a cured wood instrument, a kind of grace may sweep up along with it, tending to the letting go. It is in this moment that a child knows she must keep doing this thing, at whatever cost, that the making of music with the body is grace. It is the whoosh of life she has longed for, the open door, the wide horizon. Though she'll face it again, she believes it is possible that the choke, the pinch , will loosen.

Burney and his family moved away over the summer, leaving me alone in my growing desire to play a real instrument. For some reason, McNab Elementary offered little music to ten year olds, and Mrs. Holbrook's weekly appearances were often preempted by visits from the school nurse, who delivered lectures on hygiene. These were not thinly disguised discussions about menstruation and wet dreams, but tiresome lectures about soap and water. I bought my first jar of Mum cream deodorant after one of those sessions. But what I recall most about hygiene class was listening to the sixth grade beginning band play in the cafeteria nearby. Such a relief it was, to let my mind wander off the subject of dress shields and dental floss and plunge it into the majestic wheeze of flutes, clarinets, saxophones, trumpets and trombones, pressing out the tones of the B-flat major scale like a room-sized accordion.

It was around this time that my mother began buying classical music records for ninety-nine cents each at the Fort Lauderdale A & P. I remember what she put in the shopping cart to earn that low, low price: Jane Parker apple pie, hard as a hubcap; Spanish Bar Cake, coated with white frosting you could peel off like a wig; Ann Page peanut butter, its label stamped with the portrait of the ideal housewife-face polished pink, hair neatly bobbed. But then came the records: Ferde Grofé's Grand Canyon Suite, Bedrich Smetana's Die Moldau, Antonin Dvorak's New World Symphony. I can see the albums stacked at the end of the canned meat aisle, luring beach-blind buyers of Hormel Vienna Sausages with soothing cover photographs of mountains, rivers, and forests. The albums did not fit into the brown paper grocery bags, so I was invited each week to carry the new record to the back seat of our round-rumped Hudson sedan and gaze at it on the way home. Once we had pulled into the double garage, I would jump out of the Hudson , carry my prize past the Styrofoam surfboards in the utility room, on through the turquoise kitchen and the plant-filled Florida room to the living room where the Magnavox stereo-a hunk of mahogany battened with waffle- weave speaker cloth-stood. I would draw the new record from its cover and work it onto the greased spindle so that it dropped straight down onto the turntable with a soft plop. Then I would press the on button, lift the tone arm, and poise the stylus over the wide outer groove, waiting for the gleaming disk to reach maximum speed.

Oh, and once the needle settled into the spinning rings of perfect vinyl, achieved the delicate friction required to release the necklaces of song submerged in the oily platter, I could attach my own thoughts and feelings to the violins that soared, the trumpets that flourished, the bells that pealed. This music-played, no doubt, by cash-poor orchestras grateful for the grocery chain's contract-represented everything I wished I could express. What would I have said, had Mozart and Schubert and Beethoven not spoken for me? Everything from No One Is Sadder Than I Am/Will Anybody Ever Love Me/I Am The Center Of The Universe-to all of the things that cannot be put into words but together mean something beyond the inadequate "God." This is the way it is for some musicians, the kind I would be someday.

Mrs. Holbrook reappeared the next year to ask who wanted to join the beginning band, and a week later several of us trundled down the sandy porticoes of McNab to the cafeteria, where a middle-aged man with a baton wiggling in his back pocket took our names and instrument preferences. At the time I was under the spell of a bossy girl named Pamela who lived in an oceanfront development with a guardhouse. Pamela chose the clarinet because her big sister Blair played one, and I chose the clarinet so I could sit next to Pamela. The clarinet was the only band instrument I had ever seen up close, because one of my babysitters, a high school girl, had shown me hers. I had been fascinated with its vertical maze of silver keys, the asymmetrical chain-link laid out like found objects on a branch of black wood.

A few days later my mother signed the rental agreement for a plastic clarinet that came with a white handkerchief swab, two Rico brand cane reeds in cardboard sleeves, a tube of gummy cork grease, and a carrying case lined in red fake velvet and smelling of camphor. The band director showed us how to assemble the parts of the instrument from the bottom up: bell, lower joint, upper joint, barrel, mouthpiece. Then with one hand we neatly set a flat cane reed against the rails framing the opening of the mouthpiece, and with the other hand, brought the metal hoop of the ligature down around the reed's hips, securing it with the ligature screws. "Now, blow," said the band director, and I did, and nothing came out, nothing but Pppfffffff.

It took me days to produce anything close to a characteristic clarinet tone. When I finally barked an open G, I jumped from the impact of the sound and the physical effort it took to play that one note. But soon I learned to breathe properly for the new instrument, to pull in more than a cubic foot of air in one thrilling swoop, then release it in a consistent, malleable stream through the clarinet's mouthpiece, causing the reed to vibrate smartly like the wing of a hummingbird.

Pam and I mastered the F Major scale from thumb F down to low F, a deep, chocolatey note which required covering all six tone holes and depressing the lowest, furthest paddle key with the little finger of the right hand. It was easiest, the band director told us, to start at the head of the stairs and work down to the basement, as on the Tonette. For thumb F you fill only the topmost inches of the instrument, but for low F you imagine propelling air all the way down to the silver ring of the clarinet's bell. "Aim for the ring," he said, and we did.

What causes a clarinet to squeak, to squawk, to guffaw like a parrot? Often it's a bad seal: fingers failing to cover the tone holes completely, embouchure-the arrangement of teeth, lips, mouthpiece-lax and leaking air. Clarinetists love to blame bloopers on the reed-not my fault! One of the most common post-partum defenses against aborted clams is to jerk the instrument out of the mouth and frown publicly at the mouthpiece. With enough measures rest in the music, you can even afford to put one hand on your hip and sigh. Equipment does fail us, but not as often as our bodies do. Playing an instrument is a physical skill, and no matter how innately expressive we may be, disciplined form and mature eye-hand coordination are prerequisites for the dreams of Mendelssohn and Berlioz.

Many years ago I taught clarinet to a young woman who was legally blind. Her prescription eyewear resembled a pair of binoculars fastened to her ears with small handlebars, and when she played from a sheet of music, her entire body swiveled slowly left to right, following closely the trail of black specks. At the end of each line the young woman paused several seconds to swing her torso back to the left in preparation for the next staff of notes. "I want to be in an orchestra someday," she told me, and finally I broke the news: "I am sorry," I said. "Unless you are playing by yourself, the music will always run away from you."

When the handsome artist Will Ladislaw first encounters high-minded Dorothea Brooke in Middlemarch, he remarks to himself that Miss Brooke must be "an unpleasant girl," as she intends to marry the dry old scholar Casaubon. "But what a voice!" he exclaims inwardly, and the narrator continues, "It was like the voice of a soul that had once lived in an Aeolian harp...."

Dedicating yourself to music can be, for a time, like marrying Mr. Casaubon. Study and practice come before all else, and erotic energy sometimes converts to prolonged yearning, feeding passionate performances and perhaps more study. I can't pretend that Miss Brooke's voice represents no more than a repressed sex drive, but when I read that passage in ninth-grade English class, I nodded in recognition. Whether or not I would become a nun-bride of music, I hoped to sound as deeply as I felt. In the same year I attended a confirmation class at the Methodist church, which culminated in a procession to the altar where we teenagers were supposed to kneel and repeat silently: "I place nothing higher than you, O Lord." Rolling my clasped hands over the polished brass altar rail, I found myself murmuring, "I place nothing higher than you, O Lord-except for Music." How not-guilty I felt for tailoring this rite of passage to my own vision of heaven. Praying to a deity whose gloomy-eyed portrait leaked from a cheap prayer card was nothing compared to harnessing myself to a life force. I wept with happiness at this breakthrough, this freedom, the wide, undulating Ahhh of space before me.

Saying what you mean, singing it right, takes a ridiculously long time. Oh, how we stumble. MBRGR. Mxyzptlk! When I was nineteen, in music school, and absorbing my mother's concern that I find a husband, I grew so frightened of my desire to perform great music on the clarinet that I talked myself into believing I should slink away into a do-good, domestically correct profession, give up all that space that I knew lay beyond. Who would know I'd wimped out? Who would fault me?

So I enrolled in Music Therapy 101 and took field trips to clinics and hospitals. I saw a class of mentally retarded women learn to tell time by singing a song about hours and turning the hands of a large wooden clock. I watched a drug-numbed teenager's eyes flicker to life as he listened to a tape recording of Debussy's La Mer through a headset. Then at mid-term, I visited a children's ward where a music therapist was working with a boy of five named Bobby. Bobby had been severely injured in a boating accident, and among his many lost functions was speech. He produced no words, only sharp chunks of static, much like those I had heard Krysti Fischer utter twelve years before. The goal of this day's session, the therapist explained, was to get Bobby to make a vowel sound, and since Halloween was coming up, she had decided to go for "ooo" by teaching him a song about ghosts.

In the night so dark and still, with
owls and pumpkins, witches, too
Floats a ghost so white and scary
Rising up and crying "Boo!"

Accompanying herself on a toy xylophone, the therapist sang the song through for Bobby. Bobby paid little attention. His gnarled body was strapped into a wheelchair; his misshapen head was protected by a white plastic helmet. The only parts of Bobby capable of free movement were his eyes, and so his gaze shot around the room randomly, crazily, it seemed, to what end I could not tell.

"Listen again, Bobby," the therapist said, catching his glance, grasping his arm, and once more she touched her tiny wooden mallets to the xylophone's rainbow bars. Again she sang: loudly, emphasizing each word and coming down hard on BOO. Again Bobby looked in every other direction: toward the floor, the ceiling, the door, toward me.

The therapist showed no sign of frustration. "Let's try it real loud this time, Bobby," she said, pinging a high note for emphasis, and this time, Bobby seemed to hear her. He turned his face toward the therapist as she sang, and he smiled at the word "ghost"

...so white and scary

Rising up and crying

"Boh!" Bobby yelped. "Bah! Boh!" Grinning, her eyebrows raised in encouragement, the therapist replayed the final phrase on the xylophone.

Rising up and crying....

Bobby wiggled in his seat, chafing at the belts that held him, dislocating the helmet that protected his delicate skull. Then he drew a monstrously healthy breath that rattled every nut and bolt of his constraints, made such a ruckus, in fact, that two attendants rushed forward to seize and brake and block his rolling wheelchair.

"Boo!" cried Bobby, shaking with delight. "Boo, Boo, Booooooo! "

After I switched my major to clarinet-playing, I studied hard and learned, for example, about artistic doubt, a state of asphyxiation so soft and sneaky its b is silent. I also learned about the seductions of vocation. The "call" can motivate, but it can also block the way to open space. One day I hope to improvise in limitless air. At the moment one accepts that freedom, say the world's wise men and women, the voice demands that illusions die and pride take a powder. Who are you, anyway? A person with an instrument others taught you to sound. You haven't been called. You aren't even special. You are just lucky, and so you sing.

Issue #36 • Fall 2002