The Great Christmas Music War 25 comments

By Andy Whitman

I love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday. And I loathe Christmas music. Every year, growing up, my father would venture to the Firestone Tire store to buy the annual Firestone Christmas compilation. And every year we would listen to Johnny Mathis and Julie Andrews and Bing Crosby, the old, reliable holiday schlockmeisters, as we decorated the Christmas tree.

I tried. Really I did. But I was drawn to electric guitars and rock ‘n roll backbeats, and Bing and Julie weren’t exactly letting it rip. It only got worse over time. My initial distaste was exacerbated by the omnipresence of the music, blasting from every radio station and piped in to every holly, jolly capitalist establishment from Halloween ‘til January, when the yearly infusion of saccharine sentimentality mercifully ended.

Perhaps I’ve tended to swing a little too far in the other direction. In truth, I do like a few Christmas albums; perhaps as many as five of them. I like God Rest Ye Merry Jazzmen, featuring red-hot holiday standards from the likes of Dexter Gordon and McCoy Tyner. I like the Fleshtones doing up the holiday garage-rock style. I like Christmas Gumbo, the Creole compilation featuring the great R&B singer Marva Wright’s take on “Stocking Full of Love.” And I like Bruce Cockburn’s Christmas, where he covers the old Native American crowd pleaser, the seventeenth century Huron Indian carol called “Iesus Ahatonnia.” It’s a beautiful song, and I love to play it while decorating the tree.

The problem is that Bing and Julie have exacted their revenge. My wife and daughters love the traditional schlock, including Johnny Mathis singing "It's a Marshmallow World in December," perhaps the most revolting holiday recording ever. And every year we come to the same impasse. There are four passionate, articulate, opinionated, music-loving members of the Whitman family. Look, they come by it honestly. And we all like different kinds of music.

“Ayoki onki hm-ashe eran yayeh raunnaun,” Bruce Cockburn sings—quite reverently, I might add—as I string up the lights.

“Turn that off,” my wife says.

“Oh my God, what is that?” my daughters say.

I am woefully outnumbered, the lone voice of multi-cultural eclecticism in the midst of Xmas cornpone. What’s a music-loving father and husband to do?

Clearly some sort of compromise is needed. Faced with familial revolt and the prospect of decorating the Christmas tree by myself, something has to give.

And I admit that I’m running out of ideas. In the past few years I’ve tried to find the middle ground, something that would please—or at least not offend—the delicate holiday music sensibilities of the Whitman family.

At first I tried Elvis. Everybody likes Elvis, right?

Got no sleigh with reindeer
No sack on my back
You're gonna see me comin' in a big black Cadillac
Oh, it's Christmas time pretty baby
And the snow is falling on the ground
Well you be a real good little baby
Santa Claus is back in town

Nope, they weren't buying it. Too lascivious. Nobody but me, apparently, likes a leering, jive rockabilly carol while attaching barbed hooks to ornaments.

"How about something more traditional?" my wife suggested. Strongly.

Then I tried the King's College Choir. The pre-pubescent English kids sang these lovely, ancient carols in their soprano voices, but even I had to admit that it got weird about three songs in. "I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In"—have you ever listened to that song? It features Jesus and Mary as members of the Israeli navy, sailing into Bethlehem (which, last time I checked, is landlocked). It's very strange.

We were getting nowhere fast.

"How about George Winston's December?" I suggested. "It's pretty. It's instrumental. There's no bizarre nautical language." Okay, the family was game for George Winston, at least for a while. Eventually my youngest daughter started complaining about Pachelbel's Canon. "Everybody plays Pachelbel's Canon," she said. "It's boring. Besides, it isn't even Christmas music." This from the young woman who loves "It's a Marshmallow World in December.”

My wife has circled Saturday, December 12th on the calendar. That’s the momentous day on which we will decorate the tree. And she’s given me a deadline. As of today, I have roughly two weeks to come up with suitably reverent, popularly accessible Christmas music that will magically transport four very different people into the realm of Christmas cheer. With electric guitars.

Okay, that last stipulation is mine, all mine. I may have to give it up in the interest of peace on earth and goodwill toward women. It’s a relatively small price to pay. But I’m still hoping to find that magical album in the meantime. Can anyone recommend some great, family-unifying Christmas music? Note that the following criteria will result in immediate disqualification:

• References to snow, snowmen, reindeer, Santa, elves, sleighs, bells, drummers or drummer boys, chestnuts or marshmallows
• A photograph of a cheerful singer wearing a sweater or scarf
• Even a hint of a syrupy string arrangement
• Background vocals featuring the angelic host
• Non-English vocals (sorry, Johann)
• Handel’s “Messiah”

It’s a lot to ask, I know. But I’ll be forever grateful, once every year about the middle of December.